Apparently we’ve been praising our kids too much. Our kids have been born into an era obsessed with self-esteem. In fact, we’re so worried about giving our kids low self-esteem, we’ve actually given them low self-esteem. We’ve told them they’re so bloody fabulous at everything they do that they just can’t handle the pressure. Or the truth. If we were to be completely and brutally honest with our kids, a lot of stuff they do isn’t that fabulous at all.
My two-year-old came back from daycare with a painting the other day. It was a purple blob. The dog could have painted it. I said ‘Wow darling that’s amazing! What is it?’ She was thrilled at the approval for this very average portrait of her father. But I should have told her the truth. ‘That’s shit!’ And thrown it in the bin. Sure she might have cried for a few minutes, but she’d get to know that there are standards that she’s just not meeting. If you want to make it on the fridge you’ve got to try a lot harder than that.
And I’m not just being a nasty bitch. This is the thesis presented by Carol Dweck in her book Mindset. According to the findings of the American psychologist and Stanford University professor, our belief that constant acknowledgment and accolades for anything our kids do has created a generation so frightened of failure they’re atrophied into a bunch of lazy, challenge-phobic pussies. We’ve positively reinforced almost every aspect of our kids’ development. ‘You’re so clever! You are so handsome! You’re so fast at running!’
There are even those that attest that competition is bad for children’s development. Sure, but one day the poor little fella is going to have to find out he’s a loser, and the longer you wait to break it to him, the harder it is. Learning to cope with losing is an important life skill. How else do we find the motivation to strive? Maybe we should revert to some of our own parents’ techniques and just fail to notice our kids at all. Then the little buggers will put some effort in.
Right now our kids know that love and approval is unconditional, they don’t have to do a thing. Time to raise the bar. Life isn’t easy, it’s full of disappointments and failures. The mark of a good person, someone who is well adjusted and able to function socially, is someone who can accept failure with grace, not fall on the floor in a tantrum, key someone’s new BMW or glass their girlfriend.
No, it’s time we started getting our children used to failure. I’m sick of turning up to sporting events where every kid gets a trophy. They don’t all deserve one. I’ve seen some of those kids on the soccer field; they’re useless. What, the kid who runs in the wrong direction and cries when he doesn’t get the ball is getting a trophy? Nice one, let’s just reinforce poor behaviour!
No, trophies should be given to the kids who have earned them, and not as Dweck attests to kids with natural ability. We need to praise the process not the outcome. So awards for Most Improved or Best and Fairest are the go. We need to take a reality check on how we mould the next generation. While some attest that the next gen are ‘amazing, incredible and spiritually evolved’, I’d say bullshit, they’re a bunch of little Princes and Princesses who’ve been totally indulged, have no sense of compassion, are poor communicators, have no respect for adults and absolutely no resilience. They expect awards for wiping their own bums.
And, it’s all our fault. We have made them that way. Look at swimming lessons. These days we all take our babies to the pool and they swim towards plastic duckies and kick their little leggies with Mummies and Daddies in the pool with them all oohing and aahhing at their sheer brilliance. In the old days when it came to teaching a kid to swim, you waited a few years, threw your sprog in the pool, and waited for him to surface, kicking and gasping. There’d be the odd wildly inappropriate and homophobic statement of ‘what are ya? A poof?’, but by the end of the week, little Thorpie would be swimming like a champ.
Apparently we need to encourage the process rather than the outcome, and we need to give our children honest feedback and experiences of failure. Awesome, finally a theory has come out that acknowledges some of my greatest parenting techniques. Nothing like the silence on that long drive back from the sports carnival with a sulky kid who came last in the longjump. ‘Oh well, that was disappointing. I suppose you can’t just expect to turn up and do your best if you spend most of your time on the Xbox… loser!’ See, that’s not abuse, that’s resilience building.
2011年9月7日星期三
2011年4月13日星期三
Former Vesuvius church sees the light through renovation
Even the most minor of home renovations on Salt Spring’s historical gems can be no small miracle to pull off, but work on a converted Anglican church in Vesuvius proves that a power washer, 20 gallons of paint and a little bit of faith can really pay off.
Whereas many prospective buyers looking at the property might have seen a classic handyman’s special and moved on to something in need of a little less divine intervention, island contractor Derek Sowden saw opportunity and went home to speak with his wife Andrea.
The small Anglican community at Vesuvius completed work on St. Nicholas Church back in the early 1940s. The congregation flourished and additions to the original structure were added up until the church was finally converted into a home in the 1960s.
From today’s perspective, the only evidence of the building’s past is a modest wooden sign hanging near the front entrance. The sign welcomes everyone for weekly Sunday services at 9:15 and 10:30 a.m. along with evening worship every Thursday night from 5:15 to 6:15.
As the Sowdens spoke to island historians and examined archival photos, they became intrigued by the building’s historical character, appealing structural aesthetic and echoing roof lines.
“It had a little bit of cachet. It’s a cute little building,” Sowden said during a recent tour of the Vesuvius Bay Road property. “Normally a small rectangular building wouldn’t be that interesting.”
Having lived in the neighbourhood for years, the couple already had a good sense of the house and what they’d do if they could acquire the property.
Setting goals, knowing what you have to work with and establishing a plan, Sowden said, is probably the most important component to any successful building project.
Sowden located and documented all of the features in need of repair and used that to his advantage when negotiating a price.
Once the couple had done the research and established that the building was structurally sound and mould free, they negotiated a deal and put their plan in motion.
The first things to go were the large Douglas firs and arbutus tree that crowded the property’s front yard.
While the barrier of a large tree created a welcome buffer from the nearby street, Sowden said, decades of windstorms had subjected the home to a steady onslaught of branches, needles and bark.
The result meant overflowing gutters, a roof damaged beyond repair and perpetual shade for both garden and home.
Calling in the faller to handle the big trees requires a leap of faith not many homeowners are willing to take, but the Sowdens figured opening up the property’s southern frontage was the only way to make the building finally see the light.
“[The trees] really didn’t do the building justice,” he said. “We had to let the light in. That made a big difference — to open it up and let the sun in.”
Not only does the home now get filled with midday sunshine, a world of gardening opportunities awaits in the property’s front yard.
The home’s vinyl siding, though well worn by the elements, was fully restored to its brilliant white after the Sowdens took to it with scrubbers and a power washing machine.
A gallon of paint for the window trim, a few repairs to the windows, a new roof and a set of gutter guards later and the place has never looked so good.
Down in the home’s crawl space — a crucial component of any home that’s frequently ignored until there’s a major problem, Sowden said — he installed a plastic liner, some new vents and fixed up the insulation.
On the inside, Sowden used 19 additional gallons of paint, made a few upgrades to the washrooms and created some extra room by taking out a bulky gas fireplace.
It may sound easy in print, but even an experienced builder like Sowden concedes he was breaking a sweat during the reno process.
“It’s a huge deal. We worked for 90 days straight without a day off,” he said. “It’s not something you should take lightly.”
As the owner of Strait Construction, Sowden has had plenty of experience renovating and building custom homes from the ground up. Whether building for himself or for a client, he said, doing the research and buying at the right price are critical to any project’s success.
It’s been 90 days of back-breaking work and a significant financial investment, but the Sowdens already have the place rented out to a satisfied tenant.
Sowden said even the neighbour is happier now that the pine cones haves stopped thundering down every time the wind picks up and the heavens open up.
Whereas many prospective buyers looking at the property might have seen a classic handyman’s special and moved on to something in need of a little less divine intervention, island contractor Derek Sowden saw opportunity and went home to speak with his wife Andrea.
The small Anglican community at Vesuvius completed work on St. Nicholas Church back in the early 1940s. The congregation flourished and additions to the original structure were added up until the church was finally converted into a home in the 1960s.
From today’s perspective, the only evidence of the building’s past is a modest wooden sign hanging near the front entrance. The sign welcomes everyone for weekly Sunday services at 9:15 and 10:30 a.m. along with evening worship every Thursday night from 5:15 to 6:15.
As the Sowdens spoke to island historians and examined archival photos, they became intrigued by the building’s historical character, appealing structural aesthetic and echoing roof lines.
“It had a little bit of cachet. It’s a cute little building,” Sowden said during a recent tour of the Vesuvius Bay Road property. “Normally a small rectangular building wouldn’t be that interesting.”
Having lived in the neighbourhood for years, the couple already had a good sense of the house and what they’d do if they could acquire the property.
Setting goals, knowing what you have to work with and establishing a plan, Sowden said, is probably the most important component to any successful building project.
Sowden located and documented all of the features in need of repair and used that to his advantage when negotiating a price.
Once the couple had done the research and established that the building was structurally sound and mould free, they negotiated a deal and put their plan in motion.
The first things to go were the large Douglas firs and arbutus tree that crowded the property’s front yard.
While the barrier of a large tree created a welcome buffer from the nearby street, Sowden said, decades of windstorms had subjected the home to a steady onslaught of branches, needles and bark.
The result meant overflowing gutters, a roof damaged beyond repair and perpetual shade for both garden and home.
Calling in the faller to handle the big trees requires a leap of faith not many homeowners are willing to take, but the Sowdens figured opening up the property’s southern frontage was the only way to make the building finally see the light.
“[The trees] really didn’t do the building justice,” he said. “We had to let the light in. That made a big difference — to open it up and let the sun in.”
Not only does the home now get filled with midday sunshine, a world of gardening opportunities awaits in the property’s front yard.
The home’s vinyl siding, though well worn by the elements, was fully restored to its brilliant white after the Sowdens took to it with scrubbers and a power washing machine.
A gallon of paint for the window trim, a few repairs to the windows, a new roof and a set of gutter guards later and the place has never looked so good.
Down in the home’s crawl space — a crucial component of any home that’s frequently ignored until there’s a major problem, Sowden said — he installed a plastic liner, some new vents and fixed up the insulation.
On the inside, Sowden used 19 additional gallons of paint, made a few upgrades to the washrooms and created some extra room by taking out a bulky gas fireplace.
It may sound easy in print, but even an experienced builder like Sowden concedes he was breaking a sweat during the reno process.
“It’s a huge deal. We worked for 90 days straight without a day off,” he said. “It’s not something you should take lightly.”
As the owner of Strait Construction, Sowden has had plenty of experience renovating and building custom homes from the ground up. Whether building for himself or for a client, he said, doing the research and buying at the right price are critical to any project’s success.
It’s been 90 days of back-breaking work and a significant financial investment, but the Sowdens already have the place rented out to a satisfied tenant.
Sowden said even the neighbour is happier now that the pine cones haves stopped thundering down every time the wind picks up and the heavens open up.
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